Below are the 15 most recent journal entries recorded in phjun8383's LiveJournal:

Thursday, November 15th, 2007
12:19 pm	The Dollar's Last Stand It's a hairy situation for the US Dollar, but there may be some hope! As you may have heard, Gisele has allegedly demanded to be paid in Euros as opposed to dollars! And Jay-Z, the big Hova, H to the Izzo, has prudently decided that "flashing the Benjamins" no longer adequately represents the vast wealth of Mr. Banana Lips, and has thus begun flipping through $500 Euros and opening briefcases of the currency. A few thoughts: Damn, a 500 Euro bill. That's damn near $800 per piece of rectangular paper. Fuck, that's a lot of money. Will flashing money in music videos ever get old? I mean, it's about the cheesiest thing you can do aside from setting a shot in a nightclub w/ scantily clad strippers hovering all over you. Seriously, I'm curious how the idea of flashing currency gets brought up during the planning of the music video: Director: Guys, we need to exudddee wealth in this video. The world needs to know that Jay-Z is a wealthy, WEALTHY man. But how? Writer: ....hmmm.....what about....flashing currency? Director: .... Writer: .....? Director: fukking BRILLIANT! Get the briefcase full of Benjamins! Writer: Wait! What if we use...Euros? Director: ..... Writer: ......? Director: fukking BRILLIANT! Anyway, there may be hope for the dollar. Jay-Z and Giselle no longer believe in the dollar? Then the worst must be over. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 23rd, 2007
9:30 pm	Whatever happened to asking the "tough questions"? 60 minutes aired an article this past Sunday about a new product called "Plumpynut" which has had, to quote the Chief Nutritionist of Doctors Without Borders, a "spectacular response" in revitalizing malnutritioned children in Africa. Plumpynut is a paste comprised of peanut-butter, powdered milk and powdered sugar enriched with nutrients. In Niger, plumpynut has been dispersed amongst the population to help combat malnutrition so severe, 1 in 5 children will die before age 5. It costs $1 for a daily dose, and thousands of mothers line up each day to receive it. By 16, most women are already mothers, and on average, give birth 8 times in their lifetime. But with the help of plumpynut, more kids are surviving and thriving. A solution to world hunger, right? Chew this hypothetical over: If you had a roach-invested house, would you consider stomping the kitchen floor to be a solution to the problem? Or take, for instance, the California wildfires. 60 minutes aired a piece on the devastating increase of raging wildfires in CA. The reason? The former policy of fighting fires was to put them out on the spot. This invariably led to a huge accumulation of dry brush that, when lit, spread more quickly and fiercely than ever before. Now the policy is to conduct controlled burns on a periodic basis to prevent the buildup of dry brush. Can anyone make the connection to Plumpy-nut? Putting out small blazes is a SHORT-TERM SOLUTION. Handing out Plumpy-nut to women who bear 8 kids on average is a SHORT-TERM SOLUTION. With a somber look on his face, Anderson Cooper goes on to describe how mothers in Niger will see at least one child of theirs die because there isn't enough to feed them. UHHHHHHH, then WHY THE FUCK TO YOU KEEP CRAPPING THEM OUT??? ISN'T THERE ANYONE BESIDES ME THAT'S JUMPING ALL OVER THE COUCH, SCREAMING OUT THE TOUGH QUESTIONS? I thought the bastion of journalism was to ask the hard questions, to dig through the facade of personal agendas and find the REAL cause of things. Apparently not because NOBODY EVER ASKED, "WHY THE FUCK DO YOU KEEP SHITTING OUT KIDS Y-O-U C-A-N-T F-E-E-D." Oh wait, I know why! It's because we as a society have become such fucking pussy-whipped little bitch-ass PUSSIES that, God-forbid, we ever offend anyone! Maybe it's because, as Americans, we're so fucking rich with our Tivo's and our hybrid cars that when we watch abject poverty through our crystal-clear HD flatscreens, we feel compelled to withhold any criticism, right? Well I've had an impacted ass of sitting around and waiting for Africa to get its shit together. GET YOUR MOTHER FUCKING SHIT TOGETHER. Now, here's the solution. If I was head of Doctors Without Borders (btw, I suspect the only reason why they won a Nobel Prize is because a bunch of PUSSY BITCH-ASS engineers and scientists make these decisions) I'd change the name of the org to Doctors-Without-Solutions. Next, I'd cut the Plumpy-nut budget in half and reallocate it towards Norplant. Then while one hand is chucking plumpy-nut at the babies, the other is force-inserting Norplant into the moms so THEY WILL QUIT SHITTING OUT KIDS THEY CANT FEED. Do that 100,000 times, and you effectively end starvation for good. LONG TERM SOLUTION. MAN, that was fucking easy. And for all you cocksuckers whining "But you can't play god?!?!?!" First, there is no fucking God. If we're feeding your ass, then we're your God. Second, what's worse. Forced birth control or shitting out kids you can't even feed? Thank you....to me. And honorable mention goes to the great Adam Carolla. What an inspiration. Thank you for being the only other guy in this fucking country capable of asking the tough questions. (Comment on this)
Friday, October 5th, 2007
10:21 pm	Understanding Illegal Immigration Immigration policy is pretty simple - or at least it should be. If you want to be a citizen, go through the proper channels and maybe, eventually, you'll become one. I think the issue, for the most part, is black and white, but the proponents on the left beg to differ. Illegal immigration activists like to tell the story of college-age students who came to America when they were a year or two old, who are Americans in virtually every respect - except they don't have the documents to prove it. I listened to an episode of "This American Life" which told the story of a 21 year old girl who was attending UCLA. She was born in Mexico, but brought to America when she was a baby. Without documentation and no reason why should would want to return to Mexico, she was effectively left without a country to call home. Anyway, her story was a pretty bleak and sad one. Sure, she's attending UCLA, but without documentation, her opportunities are severely limited, with no chance of pursuing any type of professional career. I sympathized with her plight and genuinely felt sorry for her, but what could we really do to help her? Now here's the thing about Illegal Immigration. It's just less violent form of terrorism and should be treated as such. These babies are brought against their will (and better judgment) to a foreign country and end up having their plights paraded in front of the media in an attempt to extort the federal government into acquiescing to their demands. Wait, this sounds sooo familiar - isn't that hostage-taking? YES, Illegal Immigration is nothing more than a less violent version of kidnapping and hostage-taking. America's policy in regards to hostage-taking is to simply ignore it. When you give in to the demands of terrorists who take civilians hostage, you send a clear and powerful message to other terrorists: KIDNAPPING WORKS! KEEP DOING IT! But if you consistently ignore the demands of the terrorists, sure, they may execute the hostages this time, but they'll get nothing out of it except wasted time and a dirty conscience, and thus, will probably never do it again. So what kind of message do you think will be sent if the pleas of the 12 million-odd illegal aliens in American are heard and indulged by the federal government? Bum-rush the borders? My heart really goes out to these poor kids who are stuck without a home. It really does. It's such a sad story with probably no happy ending, but so was Daniel Pearl's death. These are necessary casualties that the world needs to know about. Maybe if we don't cater to the demands of illegal immigration activists, moms and dads will think twice about ruining the lives of their kids in a foreign country. Or so the theory goes. (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 23rd, 2007
11:10 pm	St. Elmo's Fire I was driving to work one day, listening to the Adam Carolla Show, and the Ace Man was in rant mode, lampooning the syrupy melodrama characteristic of the 80's. His target today was St. Elmo's Fire, specifically its ridiculous theme song. It's once of those super-saccharine themes of wide-eyed innocence and budding independence, so full of optimism and hope it makes you want to puke out flowers and hearts. If you don't know it by name, trust me, you've heard the tune. Funny thing is that I've never actually seen the damn movie, but I know the theme song! So I thought, what the hell, I like the 80's, brings me back to the good ole days when I was 5, I should check it out! Here is my movie report on... Emilio Estevez as Kirby Kruger Demi Moore as a very hot, very un GI Jane, Jules Andrew McCarthy as Kevin Dolenz Judd Nelson as Alec Newbary Mare Winningham as Wendy Beamish Rob Low as Billy Hicks Ally Sheedy as Leslie Hunter Opening Scene: Graduation from Georgetown! Cue in aforementioned sappy theme song. As soon as I saw that opening scene, where the seven "kids" walk down the lawn, arm in arm, hugging, laughing, throwing their head back without a care in the world, I shoulda known what I was getting into. But I had no idea. Instead, I thought to myself, "I wonder what's so funny. Why are they laughing?" NEXT: The next scene quickly cuts to a hospital scene. Billy, while driving with Wendy, has crashed her car. Neither of them are seriously hurt, but her car is destroyed, and Billy is arrested for drunk driving. At the hospital, Kirby sees a medical student named Dale, with whom he has been infatuated since college. The group later meets up at their favorite college hang out, St. Elmo’s Bar. Jules has paid Billy's bail. The group has some light conversation (except Kirby, who works as a waiter) until Wendy tells Leslie in the bathroom that Billy lost the job that Alec helped him get. Alec chastises Billy for losing yet another job, and dunks Billy’s head into a toilet. That's right. He DUNKED ROB LOWE'S HEAD INTO A TOILET. A toilet in a BAR. WTF? AKA venereal disease trap. And the worst part is that Rob Lowe marches straight to the mirror to comb his wet hair...WITHOUT RINSING! It's funny, cause after they leave the bathroom, everyones happy and hugging Rob Lowe, but no one even notices that he must be reeking of piss, shit and puke. Anyone find this absolutely absurd? NEXT: They hang out at the bar, laugh some more. NEXT: Alec and Leslie are at their apartment, Alec wants to get married and Leslie demurs. In walks in Jules and Leslie tells her how Alec wants to get married. So I'm like, DAYAM who is this FLY HONEY?! IMDB, St. Elmo's Fire, Jules...?...??...?!!! DEMI MOORE?!?! GI DYKE MOORE? Ashton Kutcher's cougar? Quick math, Ashton Kutcher, born 1978, 8 years old when St. Elmo's Fire came out...wacked off to Jules at 8?? Must be, cause who could like Demi Moore circa 1990's? Oh well, who cares, she was hot back then. NEXT: Kirby and Kevin are at their apartment. Kirby proclaims his love for Dale, a hot doctor at a hospital. Kevin spews jaded "nice guy syndrome" manifesto: "Love, you know what love is? Love is an illusion created by lawyer-types like yourself to perpetuate another illusion called marriage to create the reality to divorce the illusionary need for divorce lawyers." Sorry life is so crummy for you, buddy. Not. NEXT: Cue in sappy love track again! Oh, this is a typical 80's scene. All the friends pack into a small jeep laughing and jibber-jabbering. I eat that shit up for breakfast. NEXT: Kevin and Jules hang out in her garish pink palace. Jules accuses Kevin of being gay because he never tried to kiss her. HEY, that's not gay! He's just a little pansy boy! Trust me, I would know. But she offers to hook him up with her gay neighbor, which in her eyes must make up for calling him a fag. What a bitch. Fuck you Demi Moore, I'm glad you had ugly dyke hair in "Ghost". NEXT: Kirby secures a date with Dale at an upscale joint. Crappy conversation ensues and Dale gets a call from the hospital and jets. Sorry buddy, you're too short for a hot number like Andie McDowell to stick around for. LOL! NEXT: Kevin is at Alec and Leslie's apartment. SPOILER!: Kevin has been in love with Leslie for the longest time. They talk about marriage, divorce, and once again, Kevin gets grilled about why he's not in love...by the girl he's secretly in love with! Of course, his default answer is "Stay away from LOVEEEE," but desperation is written all over his forehead. NEXT: Rob Lowe and his ugly duckling Wendy are over at her rich parents house for a dinner/social gathering with the family and some socialites. Rob, being the rebel bad-boy he is, scares the parents with smart-ass remarks and climbs on top of the roof with a glass of whiskey. Rob gets serious for a change and opens up to her, and they share a moment. Before I move on, let me tell you how this bad-boy thing works. See, women don't just love any old bad-boy. They love a PAINED bad-boy. One that's in crisis, one that's VULNERABLE. Once in awhile, a pained bad-boy will get serious and open his heart and his sensitivity to a girl. I call this the "window of vulnerability." Whenever this "window of vulnerability" opens up, the panties automatically flood. They love this shit and will eat it up for breakfast, lunch, dinner AND brunch + a midnight snack. So remember gents, if you want to steal home, use the window of vulnerability, baby...but just for a brief moment. Be sure to repeat this once every couple months. So Rob opens up, and Wendy's panties flood. They climb back inside her room and start making out. He gropes her and comes across this: He snaps it and exclaims, "What's this, your SCUBA SUIT!" LOL, ahahaha. What an asshole, but damn did that piss her off LOL! She breaks up with him. NEXT: The whole gang is at a big Halloween party. Rob Lowe is on stage in a yellow batman tank top, rockin' out on his sax, all sweaty and glistening. Between gasps of breath, he makes out with a hot chick. Then comes in his wife - oh I forgot to mention, he's friggin married - with some other dude. Rob yells at him, he yells back, they get into a fight, the gang drags Rob out of the bar. NEXT: Cue in crappy theme song. Girl talk between Leslie and Wendy. Rob has a new job working for a Korean gangster, who really looks like a Mexican dude, but it's the 80's and the movie industry hates Asian men. I guess some things don't change. NEXT: Oh, this is a good part. Fucking Kirby is hung up on Dale, and they have a crappy first date, so now he shifts into stalker mode! He waits outside of the hospital in the rain until she gets off of work. He follows her car to a party where she's with... a good-looking TALL guy! Kirby storms into the party, dripping wet, walks up to Dale and she turns around, suprised, "Kirby, how are you?" He replies, "I'm obsessed, thank you very much." What a retard, can't wait till she slaps his face in the next scene. NEXT: Kirby and Dale are back at her apartment - HUH?! WHAT? What happened to Kirby getting smacked?! Wait! How does a short creepy guy stalk a hot chick and get invited back to her apartment? Must be the sappy theme song!! So she questions how a creepy short guy like Kirby could ever be in love with Dale - i mean, she's very average, full of flaws, a slob that can't make a bed straight, steals magazines from her dentist, can't take out the garbage, and has a roommate that hates her? Is that seriously supposed to turn Kirby or any other guy off??? Look, if you want to scare a guy, you tell him that you're into BDSM and are looking for a submissive guy able to take 12 inch purple dildos, not that you can't make a bed straight. Anyway, so how does Kirby respond? HE SNIFFS HER PILLOW, LOLOLOLOLOL!!!! Dale makes an off-hand remark about the realization that being a doctor is only about the money, and Kirby storms off, disgusted with her because he has no money and that's why she won't date him. Get lost, you creepy pillow-sniffing midget. No wonder your sole claim to fame is the Mighty Ducks movie franchise. It's cause you're a freak! NEXT: Kirby gets a job with the Korean gangster. He shows up outside Dale's hospital, creep-mode style, in a limo to impress Dale and invite her to a party. Fast-forward and the party is underway. Dale doesn't show and Kirby throws a midget-man fit. Rob finds Wendy, his old ugly duckling ex, and they go outside on the patio to talk. They make small talk, have a little laugh, then Rob busts out this MEMORABLE line! AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, this is fucking PRECIOUS!! I wish I was making this up, but then I'd be giving myself wayyyyy to much credit!! What the FUCK is wrong with this movie! Anyway, Alec decides to announce in front of everyone that he and Leslie are getting married. Everyone cheers...except for Leslie who storms into the kitchen. Alec follows her and they argue. He wants commitment, she doesn't. She calls him out on the cheating. SHOT IN THE FUCKING DARK, I SWEAR! His face goes white and he storms out and punches Kevin, cause he's the only one he told. "NO!" screams Leslie, "it was a HUNCH!" What?! What kind of fucking stupid world is the 80's where a guy proclaims his love for his gal, wants commitment, wants to get married, and the chick calls him out on cheating due to a HUNCH?! How can a movie be written ANY WORSE? NEXT: Midget Creep can't take contain his stalkerish tendencies any longer and he storms off to Dale's apartment. "Where is she!" he screams menacingly at her roommate from the sidewalk. "She went skiing!" So off he goes, like a creep-in-shiny-midgetness, to seek out Dale and sweep her off her feet. NEXT: Kirby arrives at the mountain cabin Dale's staying at. He runs up the door and bangs on it. Her tall man shows up, angry, wondering who the FUCK this midget man is. And Andie's response? A quizzical, "Kirby? What are you doing here? Dale invites Kirby in, AGAIN. This movie is retarded x2. NEXT: Leslie escapes with beaten-down Kevin back to his pad. They talk a little about Alec, the whole situation. Kevin pours drinks. Leslie snoops through Kevin's crap and finds creepy photos of herself. "I'm deeply deeply in love with you." explains Kevin. Kevin gets laid, FINALLY! Score one for the nice guys!! But all does not end well. Alec swings by the pad while Leslie and Kevin are still in bed and finds out his best friend just fucked his girlfriend. Bad news. But he took it like a champ, all things considered. Only in the 80's, baby. NEXT: It's morning at Dale's snow cabin. Tall boyfriend finally gets Kirby's car started. As the boyfriend goes to fetch a camera inside the cabin for some pictures (btw,WTF??), Dale has some parting words for poor Kirby: "I don't really know you that well but you seem like a fine person, and I'm deeply flattered by all this. And deep down I'm sure for a long time I'll somehow wonder how THIS ISN'T MY LOSS." WTF kind of pushover is she??? If it was me, I'd have had the cops crawling all inside his ass. Anyway, she gives him a little peck on the cheek, and Kirby decides to swing for the fences: I can't believe it. He's a stalker x5, a creep, a midget, AND a mighty duck and he gets away with that bullshit! I couldn't get away with 1/5 of that crap! Once again, only in the fucking 80's!! Cue in the damn music. NEXT: Wendy meets with her dad, tells her shes still in Love with Rob Lowe and she's breaking up with her geek, Howard. No surprises there. NEXT: Leslie goes back to Alec's apartment to pack up the last of her things. Remember, Alec found out Leslie slept with Kevin. Alec shows up, big fight ensues. Alec screams for her to get out. She screams back. She leaves. He's pissed, a little regretful. Leslie picks up Kevin, who's still on cloud 9 after nabbing the love of his life. NEXT: Leslie and Kevin are at Jule's pink palace. They have a make-out sesh but are interrupted by Jule's arrival. Kevin has elevated to cloud 18. Take a look at Leslie's face: Yes, things do not bode well for Kevin. Alec calls, Leslie talks to him. Kevin gets jealous, nasty love triangle ensues. Leslie tells Kevin that its over! OVER!! You just got played, playa! Alright, enough of the corny love/hate/despair scenes! Let's get back with the comedy!! NEXT: Leslie storms into Alec's workplace. Jules needs help! The finance company repo-ed all her furniture and her car!! Jules hasn't been working!! There's something wrong!! Help me!!! Leslie and Alec storm out with conviction. NEXT: A panicked Leslie and determine Alec bang on Jules door. "Jules, open up! We know you're in there!!!" They can't get through though, because, apparently, the door is locked tight!! I'm wondering where she got that stick from. And how the conversation with the Repo Man must have gone down. "Hey, look, I understand you're going to have to take everything I own, but could you at least leave me the stick? My friends will be anticipating something morbid happening to me and will want to break in, and the stick - this stick - will end up being the last line of defense..." And seriously!! A stick?!?! Is that the best that 1985 can offer?? Who the hell signed off on this shit anyway?? You have writers, the director, the producers, even the actors, and it didn't occur to ANYONE how stupid and ridiculous it is to have a stick propped up against the doorknob?? As if it's going to stop anybody! Anyway, back to the story. Kirby and Kevin come running up to the apartment door to help Leslie and Alec. Alec glares at Kevin, and Kevin looks sheepish. I feel awkward. NOT. However, all differences are set aside to help save Jules from whatever she's going to do to herself. "TO THE FIRE-ESCAPE!" yelps Leslie. NEXT: They rush up the fire escape and to Jule's window, where they find her huddled on the floor. She plans to kill herself by freezing to death!! Very effective, so Kirby dashes off to find Rob Lowe to help them them break into the apartment. This leaves Alec and Kevin alone, and Alec capitalizes on the moment by dangling Kevin over the ledge. Rob Lowe arrives in time to stop Alec from killing Kevin and to rescue Jules. They share a moment, he cheers her up, they laugh, everyone is happy. Cue in theme song. NEXT: Rob is at Wendy's new apartment. He fills her in on how he was such a hero and saved Jules' life. They discuss the future...reminisce on the past...share an intimate moment... Wendy walks to one end of the room and sits on the steps. A somber look washes over her face. "So, you're really going [to New York], huh?" Rob Lowe stands up, takes a deep drag off his cigarette, stares intensely at Wendy for a moment, and says: HAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! But it gets better!! After Wendy rebuffs Rob for his asshole remark x 2, he sits next to her and says, "Have I abused our relationship too much or, could I be so bold as to ask you for a going away present?" How does he get away with that?! Cause he's a bad boy!! Rob Lowe lays claim, yet again, to unchartered territory. Cue in the theme song. NEXT: Rob Lowe takes off to New York and the friends all gather to send him off. Leslie has decided what she will do with Alec and Kevin: she's going to be single so they can all be friends! And they all live happily ever after! CONCLUSION: This is an absurd movie! But I guess that's what the 80's were all about. It's a little long and a little cheesy, but if you like the 80's, you'll definitely like this. Actually, that's not true as I like the 80's yet I feel there's nothing redeeming about this flick except for its ridiculousness. I give it a 6 out of 10. (Comment on this)
Thursday, June 14th, 2007
2:36 pm	Where the smart money's at. I can't fucking believe this. NITROGEN. Selling nitrogen, phosphate, potash for ANIMAL FEED. ANIMAL FEED! Terra Nitrogen Com L.P. Uts (NYSE: TNH) Terra Industries (NYSE: TRA) Potash Corp Saskatchewan (NYSE: POT) The Mosaic Co (NYSE: MOS) Each of these stocks have moved well over 200% since the beginning of the year. Sometimes money can be made in the DAMNDEST places. This is the best sector of the year. I hope the party isn't over. (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 31st, 2007
8:25 pm	My Gripe w/ Public Radio When I think of "public" I think of free. Like free book rentals at the public library, free basketball at the public parks, or free gridlock on public freeways. Of course, its not exactly free because it's being funded by tax dollars. But since you don't see an itemized deduction on your paycheck, its out of sight, out of mind, for all intents and purposes. Now, I've recently become hooked on this great radio program called "This American Life" which is produced by Chicago Public Radio and Public Radio International (Public Radio). I RSS this program through podcasts, which are released once a week by NPR. But once a week is not enough; when I get addicted to programming I need to wallow in it all at once. So then I thought, man, there's gotta be an archive of this crap somewhere. And there was. 'Cept it costs $0.99 per hour episode. That bugs me. How are you going to call yourself public radio when you're charging people to d/l the episodes? Settle down NPR butt-huggers, I already realize that public funds don't satisfy the budgets of public radio. So if the rest of the budget is funded by corporate sponsors with corporate spots, why are you calling yourself public radio? Instead of charging a dollar/episode, why not just stick more corporate spots on the air in place of your crappy instrumental interludes? I won't mind, I flip the channel anyway. Here's a great idea for you, Public Radio Man: The Adam Carolla podcasts have a thirty-second advertising spot in the beginning of each podcasted segment. Why don't you stick in two or three corporate spots in there, and NOT charge me that dollar to d/l the episode? I don't think anyone will mind fast-forwarding the first 30 seconds of the podcast anway. I know I don't. Besides, if you're pseudo-corporate anyway with your corporate sponsorship, why not just go all the way and save us the trouble of paying for your "public radio" broadcasting? So that's my gripe w/ public radio. In the meantime, keep up the good work on "This American Life." It's a great show. (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 29th, 2007
9:34 pm	State of the Union Since when have shows such as Extreme Makeover: Home Edition or Desperate Housewives been more important than the NBA playoffs? What about Dallas vs. Goldenstate, 1st seed vs. 8th seed, with the 8th seed kicking 1st seed's ass?! Forget the VA Tech shooter, this is America failing us here! And for what, horny housewives and sob stories? MAN, W-T-F! Desperate Housewives is > NBA playoffs? MAN, WTF, last time I checked men made more money than women. I'm sitting here watching the numbers tick off on espn.com, just in absolute shock over how amazing the Dallas/Golden State series is turning out to be, while WOMEN are watching stupid fucking dramas?! HEY ABC, guess where your lucrative demographic is? They're watching the Warriors dish the most shocking upset to the Mavs on TNT! And I have to watch it all tick down on the web? WTF. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 12th, 2007
12:11 pm	What may be the biggest decision of my life. I was chatting with my Christian "brotha" friend today, my token black friend for all you laymen out there, and we got into a pretty interesting conversation about Christianity. Now in my 23 years of God-given life, I couldn't even begin to tell you how many heated debates I've had with Christians about their faith. These guys are pretty much the most passionate and dogmatic people you will ever meet in your life...besides myself of course. If you've had these debates before, you should have realized that arguing with a Christian is like arguing with a stone; eventually you'll just have to give up and walk away. So after 23 years of fighting the good fight and doing the Lord's work, so to speak, I decided to hang up the gloves and resign myself to an eternity in hell. But then, an epiphany struck like a thousand nations of the Persian empire descending upon my brain. And a beautiful, hushed and sultry voice whispered to me in Farsi, "Sell it to me..." Right then and there is where I laid my challenge down on the table to my dark brother, and now, the rest of my non-existent audience. "SELL ME CHRISTIANITY!" Now here's the angle. Pretend that religion is just like any other marketable commodity: it's tangible, serves a purpose, and competes against other readily-available substitutes. Now imagine there are RELIGION DEALERSHIPS. Like, replace Ford, Honda, and Toyota with Christianity, Islam, Satanism, etc. So, in my mind, I've just visited the Islam dealership and heard some wonderful selling points: 1) Good Muslims go to Paradise. 2) There is fruit and drink (and I won't get sick like I do now) in Paradise. 3) 72 virgins await you. 4) It's a spiritual AND SENSUAL experience. EMPHASIS on sensual. 5) A dome of pearls, aquamarine, and ruby await you. Wow. As an aetheist, I gotta tell you, I was pretty frickin impressed. But being a cool and level-headed guy, I didn't show the salesman how impressed I was. I played it off pretty well, scoffing here and there, scrutinizing a bit. I asked the guy for his card because I didn't want him to think he had no chance with me. Gotta give some hope to the guy so he can mull it over and make me a good offer. I then left and headed over to the Christianity dealership next door. Now, if you could adapt my conversation with the brotha into a made-for-tv screenplay, this is pretty much how it would unfold: Brotha: Hello. How are you doing? Can I help you with anything? Me: Yeah, i'm lookin to get a religion, and I just came from the Islam dealership next door and...yeah...well, they had a pretty nice package set up for me, ready to go whenever I want. But I just wanted to stop by first to see what you guys are offering. Brotha: No problem my friend. Please, come have a seat. Let me tell you what we have. It is truly excellent. (Big smiles) Me: Hehe, that's the spirit! B: So as you may well know, all you have to do is to believe that the Lord, Jesus Christ is your savior, and well, you get to Heaven, easy as that. Me: Really? That's it? B: Yep. Simple as that. That's the wonderful thing about Christianity. Our Faith department can work with you whether you have good morals, bad morals, don't really attend church or haven't been in a few years, or simply just been a human being. All we need from you is your belief that the Lord and Savior Jesus Christ is the son of God and, well, our Faith department should have no trouble at all pushing your paperwork through. Not a problem. (Big smiles) Me: Wow.... So let me get this straight. You're saying that I can LITERALLY pick up three hookers tonight while my wife’s asleep, fuck them all in the ass, beat them all dead with a blunt shovel, toss them into a ditch never to be seen or heard from ever again, AND, as long as I believe in Jesus Christ before I die, I will go to heaven? B: (Big smiles) You’re impressed aren’t you? Me: Well of course I am! What a steal! Ok ok, so tell me, what kind of company can I expect up in heaven? Umm…perhaps the Dalai Lama? B: Uhh…actually…no Me: But why?!?! He’s such a good man! Why won’t he be there?!?! B: Well, it is true, he is a good man, but, he got beat on a technicality. He doesn’t believe that Jesus is the son of God. Me: Aww man, what a bummer. Well, what about Adam Carolla? B: I’m afraid that’s not gonna happen either… Me: What?! But why not! He’s such a funny and great guy! He does all this charity work, uh uh uh, he raised a generation of dysfunctional teenagers by yelling at them to use condoms and not crap out crappy kids. He’s done so much good for this country! B: Yeah, I know, it’s all true…but…well…he doesn’t believe in God either…. Me: Aww man, what the hell! Well, who’s gonna be up there, then?? B: Well, you got Hitler…. oh come on, that guy has got stories, let me tell ya. Let’s see, we also got Tookie Williams up there. Yeah, I know, he did shotgun four innocent people to death and started the Crips gang, but you know what, he’s also written children’s books about the dangers of gangs and found God in the end so we were very fortunate enough to push his paperwork through. Oh, and Billy Graham should be joining us soon. (Big smiles) Me: Hmm…..ok…..well…..ok, Ahmadinejad over at the Islam dealership told me I’ll have 72 virgins waiting for me with fresh fruit and wine when I come around. That’s a pretty sweet deal right there. Now tell me…what do YOU have for ME? B: PSHHH. GAH!(shakes head vigorously). Gag me with a spoon already. You think that's somethin', don't cha? Check this out.(slowly leans forward across the desk) You can worship God allllll day. (Biggest smile of the night). (This is a direct quote. I’m not even joking, he actually said this) Me: As opposed to 72 virgins? B: No, in heaven, you WON’T care about those things though! You’ll just want to worship God! Me: Um, ok. So let me get this straight. In heaven, I’ll be hanging with Hitler and worshipping with Williams, but in Hell, or at least, what you consider to be Hell and what Muslims consider to be Paradise, I’ll be deflowering 72 virgins drunk on my bed of rubies and pearls, shit-faced beyond belief for the first time in my life, and maybe if I ever even get tired of that, worship Allah at night? B: ….that’s not exactly how it is… Me: No, no! I don’t want to here anymore of your crap! No wonder Muslims willingly fly planes into towers. I'm getting my 72 virgins! So alas, my friend has failed to convince me that Christianity is better than Islam. Are you up to the challenge? (Comment on this)
Monday, April 9th, 2007
6:14 pm	Here's the story of my life. Looking back on group projects, it seems as if the only classes that make you do group projects are the ones filled with idiots. I'm left wondering to myself, hmm, why can't my intermediate accounting class have a group project. Or maybe cost accounting. Accounting is a pretty difficult major, so it does a pretty good job of culling the runts of the world. But not business writing. No, there are idiots still there. Actually, I want to say that most of the class is decently competent, but as for my group? Come on, you kidding me? Can I even catch a break or get a bone tossed this direction? NEVER! NEVER NEVER NEVER! Here's my group: there's me, meticulous about my work product, making sure I get the right information, making sure the documents are all formatted right. Going through the grammar and syntax time and again, changing words up, making things sound dandy. Then there's my Afrikaan buddy. Nice christian guy. A little older, from the Ivory Coast. Well intentioned, except he can't focus the g-damn research for the life of him. This is a business writing class and his english is decent enought to pass the class, but do I want to pass? NO, i want a goddamn A. So that means I'M the one doing the research all by my fucking self, writing the fucking goddamn report, doing the bibliography because he's so careless he can't even get the format straight. Then there's Phuong. Fucking Phuong. This chick skips class, comes back only to find out there was a group report due. So my Afrikaan friend says, "stick her name on the report!" and I'm like, OK (FUCK). She owes us her fucking life, so when its time to progress on said report, where is she at? Beats me, never responded back to my email when I went to coordinate that shit. WELP, guess she has a fucking surprise coming her way on Tuesday when I knock her name off the upper-right hand corner. SURPRISE, BITCH! and that's the story of my life.... EDIT: Oh ok, so I just talked to my Afrikaan friend. He had given me research on a golf company, but we're comparing golf CLUBS, so i need club information. So i told him this. I told him, don't give me company information. We need club information. Fast-forward 5 hours, and it's back to this dicussion. ME: "I need club information." AFRIKAAN: "But you said company." It makes me wonder, cause this guy is really Christian, but I swear he's walking around in some internalized THC haze. (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 8th, 2007
9:56 pm	Spring television season. My favorite time of the year. Bye-bye to Lost and The Office. Welcome back: 1) The Ultimate Fighter - BJ Penn and Jens Pulver 2) Entourage! 3) Weeds! God, I love those shows. (Comment on this)
Thursday, March 15th, 2007
11:07 pm	Men of God If you're going to be a man of the Christian faith, where's the payoff to being a priest as opposed to a pastor? You can't have sex, and with that assumption, you most likely won't get married unless your wife is asexual or secretly gay. In any case, you'll be alone the rest of your life, which, I guess when you really think about it, doesn't even matter because, well, you have God, right? I want to liken preisthood as the equivalent of buying a brand new silver 911...minus the A/C and the leather package. I just feel very strongly that if you're going to serve God, you might as well spend the time being happy and comfortable and not dorking little boys. With that, I'd like to present a suggestion that might initially seem counterintuitive, but just bear with me: Let gays become preists. 1) If you're going to dork little boys, we wouldn't be so blind-sided. 2) You must fucking LOVE God. (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 9th, 2006
10:45 pm	What I Think of Akon I can't escape this fucker. Everytime I get into my car, I always have to catch one of his shitty fucking songs, either the one w/ Eminem or the other w/ Snoop. I went to pick up some Burger King this morning, literally a 5 minute drive, and there he is, "winding and grinding" on the radio. Later on, as I'm driving to my grandma's house for dinner, I hear not just one of his songs, but both of his crappy songs on two different stations. And if that wasn't enough, on the way back home, I found out some douchebag REMIXED a techno version of his song, which is even worse than the original!! Now I'm fucking sitting here, watching SNL, and surprise surprise, guess who's the fucking musical guest tonight?? It's A-fucking-KON!! Get the fuck out of my life already, ggeeeeeezzzz! Akon, you're too fucking black and you're too fucking shitty. Go away. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 25th, 2006
2:16 am	Homage to the 80's (Maybe also early 90's) Youtube is the greatest website ever. One day I'll dedicate an entry that examines what makes social networking sites such as Youtube and Myspace so wonderful, and also the viability of that business model in spite of its liability and lack of profitability issues. But first, here's a real treat for the hardcore 80's and early 90's TV watchers. I don't know what you guys did in your spare time as a kid, but I watched a shitload of TV. And the best thing about YouTube is that you can find the most obscure shit that you thought you'd never ever see again. Shit that you thought had been locked away in some studio vault for the rest of eternity. When I was in elementary school, I used to go to this lady's house after my daycare school cause my parents used to work late. I remember she would always sit us in front of the TV and serve us a plate of fishsticks with ketchup, and for some reason, we would always watch Channel 5, and only Channel 5. I used to always catch "Hunter" which I'm sure most people have either heard of or watched, and yeah, that was a rockin' cop show. Channel 5 was also the place to catch Bloodsport all the time. Frank Dux was awesome. My brother used to have this little stuffed bear that sits split legged, and we named him Frank Dux cause he's permanently doing the splits. That doll kicked alot of doll ass. Anyway I also, for a short period of time before it got cancelled, caught this show called "Sledgehammer", which I'm pretty frickin positive NO ONE has ever heard of in their life. I loved this show. It's basically a cop show, but the star of the show is this little magnum revolver which the lead called the "Sledgehammer", hence the title of the show. He used to always twirl it around his finger like a Wild West gunslinger, which of course was flippin sweet to an impressionable 8 year old. Mr. Sledgehammer was such an inspiration to us that me and my brother managed to get our grubby hands on a pair of toy revolvers very much like the Sledgehammer, and we learned how to spin it like a cowboy. We seriously spent weeks trying to figure out how to spin it without it flying off our little hands. So IF YOU REMEMBER THAT SHOW SLEDGEHAMMER, PLEASE leave a comment for me saying that you remember it! This is Sledgehammer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dF6HIiWCh7k This is Hunter: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sriNG9nix_I Here's another 80's staple. Can you guess this tune? "YOUUUULLL BEE LONELY AND THEN, ONNNNEEE DAAY YOURE SMILIN AGAIN, EEEHHHH-VVRREEEE-TTIIMMMME IIIIII Turn around!" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hKGX8GZ3BV0 Here's another 80's classic which I'm sure NONE of you have watched or heard of. It has a great theme song also. "The New Gidget": http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dJYetrpS2T8 Once again, if you watched this one, let me know. Everyone knows this one, and if you don't, wow you're in such a hole: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YGbXe9Gq9I8 I give you half a prop if you got this one because if you watched a bunch of the link above, then you couldn't have missed this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2UkZzdyD0A Tom Hank's breakthrough role, once again, it's a great tune: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1bEip0J8Tw THE NEW LEAVE IT TO BEAVER! OMFG, the daughter is FRIGGIN BE-A-U-TIFUL!!!! I used to have the SICKKKESTTT crush on her. I was crushing on her SOOOOOOOOOOO fuckin hard when I was a kid!!! It rivals my crush on Ashley Judd when I was in high school. That's probably the hardest crush I've ever had on a TV character. I remember I used to be so sad cause I knew she was older than me and that I'd never in my wildest dream have a chance with her. Wow I still think she's FINNNEEE. Damn I'm pathetic. I guess some things don't change do they? You get 10 props if you watched that show. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaHDYo-FOpg Small Wonder. You get a quarter of 1 prop if you've seen this one because I'm SURE even Iraqis have seen it. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukSvjqwJixw Wow, Quantum Leap, remember that one! What a great show. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOrSzqDtl-0 Who's the Boss is another 80's staple. No props for you if you've seen this show. I can only find the crappy version of the theme song. I guess they had variations of the intro theme song. If you can find the "good" version of the theme song, you get props. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QsAcPx2DvmI I just found the good version. http://youtube.com/watch?v=B1n6XF5ahrA I love that song. This was a cool show: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8Omp2kyQn0 When I was in elementary school, I used to rush home after school to catch this show at 2:30: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YMdrTaIyQao When Power Rangers became a huge sleeper hit in the early 90's, Haim Saban jumped on that shit and milked the teenage-turns-into-robot-with-super-powers concept like none other. Remember VR Troopers? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L_19qySUrzY What about Superhuman Samurai Squad, CYBER SQUAD? Props if you remember that one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X4VKOGPiKbs OH MAN! Remember Chip n Dale, Rescue Rangers!! That was my favorite of the Disney Afternoon block: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UqaQ4pG3o-M Howie Mandell circa: full-head of hair: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6xqamEd8s0 Anyone watch this one? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wb1OGZ6GVT0 Another cartoon I grew up with. Great theme song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VNjhbOH8m2U I have a toy from this. It was super cool: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-Q7a6SxIBk Wow, here's a great one. I was so thrilled to find this. I really liked this Saturday show and was really sad to see it go. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zm-aXHtFkGQ I feel gay for putting this one in. I feel even gayer for being able to hum it: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k_GxXRbSFDg Ok, that's enough. You get the idea. Wow, that was a blast from the past. I love it. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 21st, 2006
1:13 am	What I think about Canada Universal healthcare?: I couldn't think of a better way to blow taxpayer dollars while at the same time worsening the quality of service. Oh wait, I can! It's called public education! Great ally of America?: Yeah they so got our backs. With their military. Their whole 1.4% of GDP worth of it. Great Weed?: You're ruining my momentum. Reading this, you might ask yourself, "so wth is Canada good for anyway????" It may seem hopeless at this point, but I have only three words, one expletive, and three exclamation marks for you: GEORGES.................FUCKING.................ST.................PIERRE!!! Words can't describe how AWESOME this guy is. The pictures are self-explanatory - he's a fucking stud. He's not only the future of the welterweight division worldwide, but he's the future of MMA altogether. He's a god. He is Canada. He's actually greater than Canada. He's my fucking hero, not just because he beat the snot and spit-shined the floor with Matt Hughes' face, but because he carries himself with such humility, maintains the utmost respect for all fighters and is so courteous to fans, and detractors alike. In this sport, it's so hard to find a fighter whose ego, and mouth for that matter, isn't 20 steps ahead of himself. But to find a world-class champion who epitomizes humble pie, now that's a diamond in the rough. (Comment on this)
Monday, November 20th, 2006
8:39 pm	What I think about Motorcycles When kids my age see this... they drool all over their shirts. But when the smart kids, like myself, see those fancy racing bikes, we think this.... Look, here's the thing about motorcycles. Motorcycles are great for those of you who don't plan on making alot of money in the future, don't plan on raising a family, don't plan on really doing anything with your life. For those of you who fit that description, I say, "Rock your fucking socks off with that bike!" But if you're an athlete with a six to seven figure contract, WHAT THE F are you thinking riding a stupid bike?! Meet Jay Williams: Drafted in 2002 as the second overall pick, he was a promising rookie for the Chicago bulls. Awww, look he's wearing number 22, Michael Jordan is obviously a hero of his. Maybe he'll be the next Michael Jordan....NOT!! Despite provisions in his NBA contract prohibiting him from riding motorcycles, the idiot does JUST that and rips up his leg when he wipes out into a pole. After he recovers, he gets dropped from the Bulls, initially gets picked up by the Nets, only to subsequently get dropped again right before the season starts. Bye bye beautiful women, million-dollar homes and italian sports cars for you. Goodluck in the real world w/ the rest of us. Meet Frank Mir: That's him when he was the UFC Heavyweight Champion. If he looks familiar to you, it's because he's the guy you see in the highlight reels SNAPPING Tim Sylvia's forearm in HALF due to an armbar from the bottom guard. But in 2004, he became more famous for being the guy that nearly got his leg snapped clean off when he wiped out on a bike ride. So where's Mir at today? Face down bloody on the mat while up-and-coming rookies like Brandon Vera and Marcio Cruz are pounding the shit out his lifeless face and putting down on their resumes that they "pounded the shit out of former UFC Heavyweight Champion Frank Mir's lifeless face." So you wonder, where are these guys at now? Working here: Oh yes, they are sooo LOVIN' It! You know, I want to feel sorry for these guys, I really do. But I can't. I just can't. I actually feel like they deserve it. Yeah, I know, I'm an ass. But can you blame me? When you're riding a bike, there's no such thing as a fender bender. A fender bender on a bike can be YOUR LIFE. Of the people i've known that have had bikes, one got a nasty gash on their leg, two others were hospitalized in near comas, and another is dead. So even if you're not an athlete, I hope you'll think twice before getting a bike. Girls don't find paraplegics "cool" nor "sexy". And, no, you're not Ben Roethlisberger. (Comment on this)